50% Chill, 40% Excited, 10% Terrified

That’s roughly my life right now. I’m set to graduate in a little over a month, assuming I pass all my classes. Then, I get my wisdom teeth out. Then, I move. Then, I start my job.

I’m trying to keep calm and carry on, but some days, it’s hard. Especially today–I’ve been sick with a mild (but massively irritating) head cold for the past week. I’ve been working on homework, even though I really haven’t had the energy to. The upstairs neighbors decided to do something that sounded an awful lot like a drunk slip ‘n’ slide in their main hallway (right above ours, which is right outside my room) while I was trying to go to bed last night, shaking our apartment to the point that I actually thought we were having a small earthquake for a minute or two. (It didn’t help that it nearly hit 90 Fahrenheit yesterday in a city that generally doesn’t get that warm, and I don’t sleep well when warm.)

So, yeah, I’m a little cranky and out-of-sorts today. But you know what they say: misery loves company!

Just kidding. I don’t want to make the 10 people who will read this post miserable with me. I don’t want to be miserable, as a matter of fact. So, what am I going to do? Make myself busy. Do homework. Talk with friends. Cuddle with the boyfriend. Talk to my parents.  And keep on reading Reddit’s Aww thread and this bunch of calm bunnies that one of my best friends sent me.

And go to class, which I will be late for if I don’t leave now.

Train Tracks Keep Rollin’ Through My Head

I’ve been wanting to write, I just haven’t had anything to really write about for a while… Though it doesn’t seem I have many viewers at all, so it probably goes unnoticed. :P Fine by me—I’m doing this as my own creative outlet, since I can’t really post anything that isn’t fanfiction on fanfiction.net.

Okay, and my boyfriend suggested it. He gets entirely too much writing from me, I think, but a lot of the time, words are all I have. It’s a blessing and a curse, because there’s so much I have to say, and so many words I can use, but then I run into one of two problems: 1) It’s one of those cases where there aren’t words enough (or at all) for the situation or feeling, or 2) there are about eighty different words that work perfectly, or well enough, and I can’t for the life of me decide which ones I want to use.

I’m used to the first one by now (which isn’t to say it doesn’t bug me—it definitely does), but the second is a bit more of a phenomenon that I’ve never really got the hang of working around. Weighing the merits of two things is often a difficult task for me, and even when it isn’t, I am easily distracted. I kid you not when I say I think I have ADD-like tendencies. I’m not a detail person—never have been unless it was something I really cared about, and even then, the stuff I tend to care about most doesn’t have much in the way of details, with a few notable exceptions, Computer Science among them, though I’ll freely admit I still struggle with details in that arena, much to my dismay, and the detriment of my grades. I have trouble focusing on many things for long periods of time, though homework usually is not as much of an issue there because… I really don’t know why. I won’t say it’s that I like learning, because I’m sure plenty of people with ADD like it, too. I often fidget, or look like I’m not paying attention, when in reality, I half-distract myself so that I absolutely have to pay attention, and it usually works pretty darn well. I’m fairly good at getting things done, unless they’re things I have an intense dislike for, but my organizational skills could use some serious improvement either way.

It’s also horribly cliché, and really off-base, but I am one of those people who is distracted by—literal, I swear—shiny things. Actually, I’m fairly easily distracted in general. If someone else is doing something that I don’t know about, I’m usually making some attempt to figure out what it is, whether looking over their shoulder none too covertly or just flat out asking. And noises… I have really good hearing, and what my boyfriend calls a “listening face”, so whenever I pull that out, he knows I’m trying to figure out what’s going on around me—he’s certainly seen it often enough.

A more personal quirk of mine, though, is that I will read when I have nothing else to do. It does not matter what it is—I have read shampoo bottles, instructions for things I already know perfectly well how to assemble/use, t-shirts that appear to have any sort of writing on them, all to give my mind something to do. If I don’t, I generally wind up just “catching a train” in my head, so to speak.

Let me explain that for you, actually: I feel like I have a semi-organized brain. There are metaphorical train tracks that run everywhere, but they have definite departure and arrival points. It’s just that these tracks cross, and so two “trains” will often ghost through each other, and when one’s carrying bunnies and the other’s carrying calculus, it produces some very interesting results depending on what jumps to what “track”. My thought process is, as a result, very jumpy. You can start me on a rom-com I saw last night and I will wind up at physics, which has nothing to do with the rom-com; I just got there on a very quick series of tangents, usually much faster than most people can process, and far more vaguely related. (The reason I titled my first post “Miscellaneous Me”, and its lack of organization should make a whole lot more sense now.)

This can be a problem in and of itself, but it occasionally compounds and, especially if I’ve been puzzling over something—usually work or homework, and in general if I’ve had a stressful day—the “trains” don’t shut off. I’ll be lying in bed, tossing and turning and trying to count sheep or listen to soothing music or read something incredibly dull, and none of it works. I’ve been pointed toward a possible solution to that issue, happily enough, though.

And yet, for as spontaneous as my mind seems, I don’t always react well to spontaneity, whether of my own unknowing devising or someone else’s, knowing or not. I’m quick to adapt; that’s not the problem. I’m just not always happy about it. I usually get over it quickly enough, though, so, again, not much of an issue unless it shows on my face, which almost everything does.

That, my friends, is why this will often look like a dumping ground for thoughts that seem to have very little to do with each other. It’s not just your imagination. It’s mine, and even with all the trouble it can give me, I’d have it no other way.

It Is What It Is

I’m starting to think my dad’s family’s motto is “It is what it is”. To my mind, it’s the secular equivalent of “God has a plan for everything, and we don’t know what it is until it happens”. It’s a mantra that sees us through tough times. It makes us recognize that some realities cannot be changed, and that we must make the best of what we have and are in the moment, or at least move on or persevere through, if nothing else.

It’s hard enough moving past a personal upset or tragedy, but bad things don’t end there. I choose somewhat realistic optimism and say that the world is not cruel, but there are cruel people living there, and that is a problem when they act on that cruel nature towards others. (I know, I know, free will, people need to be able to do for themselves as best they can, but when that starts interfering with others’ rights to enjoy and live their lives to the fullest, that’s really not okay.) Bad things happen, and how we move through and past them shapes our character. Sometimes, it takes only a minute or two, but sometimes, we may never completely come to terms with a tragedy. Why, you ask? Exactly. Why?

I am one of those people who, when faced with a new fact, often start asking “Why?” Why did it happen? Why is it that way? Why can’t it be another way? If it could have been/be another way, why wasn’t/isn’t it? “It’s God’s plan” or “we may never know” simply doesn’t cut it for me a lot of the time, especially the former explanation, as an agnostic. Honestly, though, there are some tragedies I don’t want to know the why for. I don’t want to hear some crappy excuse for the taking of a person’s life or, ahem, chastity against their will, and, betimes, I don’t want to hear “Just because” or “I had nothing better to do” or “They wanted it”. I don’t want to hear that a person thinks they’re justified in committing an unjustifiable act.

I guess another part of this is the sensationalism of modern media. Have you ever noticed how we often hear about the bad things, but the good often goes unnoticed unless it’s on par with superhuman feats of generosity or defense? We don’t celebrate the little things enough. We aren’t reminded often that there are good things that happen in the world, too, and that’s kind of heartbreaking. I suppose that some might consider it insensitive to celebrate the good with so much bad going on in the world, but when has anger led to more good than bad? I do not advocate for not taking the time to grieve; just the opposite, in fact. But nobody can go it alone. We need others to be the wind beneath our wings sometimes, and, other times, to be the voice of reason that says “let it go and be at peace”.

Justice is important, and it’s a topic I don’t feel qualified to handle completely. I cannot pass judgment on everyone accurately. I cannot dictate to people I have never met before what kind of person they are after asking them only a little about themselves. I don’t think we can ever completely know someone’s life story, because there’s always some little detail, some small thought, that goes unmentioned.

Humans can do horrible things, it’s true. But they can also rise up and move past these things, even if it takes a while. And maybe, if everyone was a little more selfless; if everyone took the time to smile at a stranger or help out in a soup kitchen; if everyone just stopped and thought every once in a while, things wouldn’t be so bad. I don’t know; I can’t say. But what I do know is this: I can do those things, and I will, because I firmly believe that it helps. The future is what it is, but only if you let it be that way.