From 50% Chill to 0% Chill in 1 week

In 5 weeks, I’ll be out the door of college and onto greener pastures, namely being an SDE at a pretty nice company, if I do say so, myself.

And yet, I am terrified.

With 5 weeks to go, and it being necessary that I get a 2.0 or greater in every class this quarter (I’m worried about only one, but I’ve emailed my professor, and I seem to be doing well enough so far), I’m terrified that I’ll slip up and fail, despite working hours upon hours to debug a database management system that I’m building for this class. (The professor wasn’t kidding when she said we’d be writing ~10000 lines of code this quarter…) On top of this, I have 2 other classes.

One is Greek and Latin roots for people who had no idea that Greek and Latin are very much alive and kicking through many languages today. (Well, Greek shouldn’t be so surprising…) Considering that my dad’s been defining Greek and Latin for me since before I can remember (he’s a taxonomist), and I’ve always had a voracious appetite for words and what they mean, this is pretty easy. I haven’t actually missed any points yet, except maybe a few in participation. The other is a Computational Linguistics class that is turning out to be less of a challenge than I’d expected. While I’d hoped things would be a little more meaty, given that I’m spending upwards of 30 hours per week on the databases class, this isn’t entirely unfortunate.

It’s just the databases class that has me terrified. I mean, I’ve already sent out announcements and invitations for graduation-related things, and I can’t help but feel I’m jinxing myself here, a bit. It’s not incredibly likely, but that stupid “what if?” monster has attached itself to my brain and just won’t let go. It’s worse than Shel Silverstein’s Yippiyuk!

And then, on the flip side of things, I feel like I’m not ready to let go of college yet. I’d probably feel better if more of my friends were graduating with me, but I understand why they’re not. Math is hard, people. Not so hard that you can’t do it, but it’s hard–I mean, I asked one of my friends to explain what he was learning to me. All I retained from that conversation was being glad I didn’t major in math. What am I going to do when I can’t hang out with my friends at lunch every day? Sure, I’ll make pals at work, and that’ll be well and good, but I’m really going to miss hanging out with people I really know, and just being in a place so incredibly endowed with knowledge that I could just stay there forever. (Really, if I could make a living as a student, like, getting paid simply to learn anything I desired, I’d take that in a heartbeat. Well, unless it paid really poorly. I gotta pay the bills somehow!)

I’ll be out there in that big, scary world, having to do important adult things like pay taxes and look for a car and actually manage my money (though that hasn’t been too much of an issue in recent years—I don’t enjoy knowing that I’ve borrowed money) and all that other stuff that post-college people do.

So what am I gonna do about it?

Well, a few mornings ago, after very little sleep and an annoyingly persistent cough, I broke down sobbing. I just couldn’t hold it all in. The boyfriend, bless him, held me and reminded me that he’s here and that everything will turn out okay. It did a lot of good; both the crying and the being held. I feel less anxious for now, and more annoyed at my stupid cough than anything.

Moving forward, I’ll just have to make sure that I keep in touch with my friends. Thankfully, most of us will still be in roughly the same area (though there are a few headed far and wide). We’ll visit and chat. Same with my family. I am looking forward to being able to reclaim my weekends to do that, at least. My job does not generally send all that much work home with me, anyway. And I’ll remember that I’m gonna be okay. I worked my arse off to get here; I’m not gonna stop now!