Words can sting; I know this from firsthand experience. Long after bruises have faded from a beatdown, words will still be seared into your memory.
So, why did I post what I did yesterday, knowing that there was someone out there who would likely take it as a dig at them? Why did I not at least warn them? Why did I even write it?
That’s what I’ve been asking myself over the past 24 hours. So, to start with, I’ll say this: There is nothing I can say that justifies having hurt someone. I can explain it, and maybe, it will make a little more sense, but, at the end of the day, what I did was wrong, and I know it.
It has been the ninth circle of hell this quarter at school. It’s only half-way done right now, but it has felt like the longest quarter I’ve ever been through. I am taking two programming intensive classes, which, for me, is a bad, bad, bad idea. I can program. That was my internship last summer, and so I’m trying to rev myself up for a job by programming day in and day out. Unfortunately, being a student is not a nine-to-five job, where I can just say, “Oh, it’ll get done when it gets done.” That’s a good way to fail classes. So, instead, I’ve been working my ass off and still just barely treading water. On top of this, I am taking a writing-intensive course, which you’d think would be awesome since I love to write. I do not, however, really like writing academic papers. This has made me very stressed. Bad things happen when I get stressed. I tend to hold it all in, and then blow up at the little thing that goes wrong at the wrong time. I didn’t want to blow up, so I didn’t. Except I did; just in a different way.
I screwed up, big time. While writing that post was okay, putting it out there for everyone to see was not, knowing that there was someone who would take it as aimed at them. I hurt a friend, and that is the dead last thing I wanted to do. I feel miserable for it, on top of everything else, and if you’re saying, “Good; you should”, I agree with you. I’ve been forgiven by the person affected, but it is a much longer, steeper road to forgive myself.
I’ve been told I’m only human. I don’t disagree. I will make mistakes. But, again, that does not make it okay to hurt someone.
I’m not going to take that post down. First off, it’s true, and second, it’s as a reminder that words do hurt, and that I need to be careful in how I wield their power.
But if I can use my words to hurt, I can use them to heal both the person I’ve hurt and myself. That’s what I hope to do now.
I’m sorry. I should have warned you, and I never should have said what I did. I didn’t afford you the respect I value so highly. I’ll do better next time, and if I don’t, you have the right to call me on it like you did this time. I’d deserve it.
And, above all, thank you for sticking by me, even though I haven’t made it easy.
(P.S. I’m not doing this so that everyone can see how great a person I am for apologizing—I sure as hell don’t feel at all great right now. I’m doing this because I feel that if something I publicly hurt someone, I should lay myself bare in that same way in order to make it right.)