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Train Tracks Keep Rollin’ Through My Head

I’ve been wanting to write, I just haven’t had anything to really write about for a while… Though it doesn’t seem I have many viewers at all, so it probably goes unnoticed. :P Fine by me—I’m doing this as my own creative outlet, since I can’t really post anything that isn’t fanfiction on fanfiction.net.

Okay, and my boyfriend suggested it. He gets entirely too much writing from me, I think, but a lot of the time, words are all I have. It’s a blessing and a curse, because there’s so much I have to say, and so many words I can use, but then I run into one of two problems: 1) It’s one of those cases where there aren’t words enough (or at all) for the situation or feeling, or 2) there are about eighty different words that work perfectly, or well enough, and I can’t for the life of me decide which ones I want to use.

I’m used to the first one by now (which isn’t to say it doesn’t bug me—it definitely does), but the second is a bit more of a phenomenon that I’ve never really got the hang of working around. Weighing the merits of two things is often a difficult task for me, and even when it isn’t, I am easily distracted. I kid you not when I say I think I have ADD-like tendencies. I’m not a detail person—never have been unless it was something I really cared about, and even then, the stuff I tend to care about most doesn’t have much in the way of details, with a few notable exceptions, Computer Science among them, though I’ll freely admit I still struggle with details in that arena, much to my dismay, and the detriment of my grades. I have trouble focusing on many things for long periods of time, though homework usually is not as much of an issue there because… I really don’t know why. I won’t say it’s that I like learning, because I’m sure plenty of people with ADD like it, too. I often fidget, or look like I’m not paying attention, when in reality, I half-distract myself so that I absolutely have to pay attention, and it usually works pretty darn well. I’m fairly good at getting things done, unless they’re things I have an intense dislike for, but my organizational skills could use some serious improvement either way.

It’s also horribly cliché, and really off-base, but I am one of those people who is distracted by—literal, I swear—shiny things. Actually, I’m fairly easily distracted in general. If someone else is doing something that I don’t know about, I’m usually making some attempt to figure out what it is, whether looking over their shoulder none too covertly or just flat out asking. And noises… I have really good hearing, and what my boyfriend calls a “listening face”, so whenever I pull that out, he knows I’m trying to figure out what’s going on around me—he’s certainly seen it often enough.

A more personal quirk of mine, though, is that I will read when I have nothing else to do. It does not matter what it is—I have read shampoo bottles, instructions for things I already know perfectly well how to assemble/use, t-shirts that appear to have any sort of writing on them, all to give my mind something to do. If I don’t, I generally wind up just “catching a train” in my head, so to speak.

Let me explain that for you, actually: I feel like I have a semi-organized brain. There are metaphorical train tracks that run everywhere, but they have definite departure and arrival points. It’s just that these tracks cross, and so two “trains” will often ghost through each other, and when one’s carrying bunnies and the other’s carrying calculus, it produces some very interesting results depending on what jumps to what “track”. My thought process is, as a result, very jumpy. You can start me on a rom-com I saw last night and I will wind up at physics, which has nothing to do with the rom-com; I just got there on a very quick series of tangents, usually much faster than most people can process, and far more vaguely related. (The reason I titled my first post “Miscellaneous Me”, and its lack of organization should make a whole lot more sense now.)

This can be a problem in and of itself, but it occasionally compounds and, especially if I’ve been puzzling over something—usually work or homework, and in general if I’ve had a stressful day—the “trains” don’t shut off. I’ll be lying in bed, tossing and turning and trying to count sheep or listen to soothing music or read something incredibly dull, and none of it works. I’ve been pointed toward a possible solution to that issue, happily enough, though.

And yet, for as spontaneous as my mind seems, I don’t always react well to spontaneity, whether of my own unknowing devising or someone else’s, knowing or not. I’m quick to adapt; that’s not the problem. I’m just not always happy about it. I usually get over it quickly enough, though, so, again, not much of an issue unless it shows on my face, which almost everything does.

That, my friends, is why this will often look like a dumping ground for thoughts that seem to have very little to do with each other. It’s not just your imagination. It’s mine, and even with all the trouble it can give me, I’d have it no other way.

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